...the BIG 3-0! Happy BIRTHDAY to me...NOT...
With all the expenses, more of medical expenses of my Pappy and the rest of us who down pills like candy, I didn't plan on having a dinner or any form of celebration. Also because my mom had this look on her face saying that "I didn't deserve" to celebrate. That was ok. I understand the financial situation that the family is in. And since I don't contribute, I really don't have a say in anything. That was fine. I can live with that.
The truth is, it was too painful for me since last year was a special birthday for me, having my core friends and a loved one and all the cooking I love. Actually, no one really knows how much I miss him. No one really knows how much I'm hurting but since life has to go on for te sake of my son and my sanity, I have to put a happy face. Generally, I am a happy person. But there are just days this this where it all overwhelms me.
I have to thank my tita and cousins who went out of thier way to treat me to lunch knowing that my family were not home. My Pappy, Mommy, and Luis had dinner in Banana Leaf and Luis played in the arcade after. As long as he was happy, it was good enough for me.
I finally cried the other night but I knew it wasnt enough. I had to hide behind the snifles and my tatered pillow. Hopefully, one day I can hae my final cry and put this all behind me.